Paralyzing Fear

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God." ~Marianne Williamson

I wish I could say that I agreed with Marianne Williamson's analysis of our deepest fear, but I have to say that I don't. I started thinking about fear tonight in my meditation of the mystery of the Annunciation. Mary gives her fiat with such confidence: "May it be done to me according to your word" Luke 1:38. Here I am hanging on to hope for a job that I really don't want and feel in my 'gut' is not right; but I can't let the opportunity go for fear of missing the path God had for me.

I'll throw out three hypothesis for the sources of my paralyzing fear -

Hypothesis ONE: the fear that usually stops be from starting projects...the fear that makes it so much harder to take the next step for fear of failing. There, I said it, FEAR OF FAILING. Not starting something because of the millions of obstacles that enter my head immediately after I think of a great idea. It's this fear of failing that stops me from trying anything new because I immediately think, 'I can't do that. I've never done that before, how could I possibly learn it now.' It's human, but completely irrational - which is, I'm learning, how I operate...irrationally. It's this fear that I'm trying to conquer in 2010 - not only learning and trying new things, but being 'ok' with a perfect failure!

Hypothesis TWO: Fear of rejection and being inadequate...this fear too has shot down some of my would-pursue-if-money-wasn't-a-factor ideas. The idea of being told no, laughed at, or even worse, humiliated, daunts me and is probably the reason that I haven't applied for more jobs since October. I operate under the thought: 'if I'm going to get rejected, by put in the effort.' In essence, I've already made up my mind that rejection is what I'll get, so I'll stop there. I think conquering this fear will take a paradigm shift. A better understanding of Ms Williamson's last statement: "Who are we not to be [brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous]. You are a child of God." Children of God are made to be special and unique - to not be perfect for everything, but to be perfect for something!

Hypothesis THREE: However, unlike Ms. Williamson, I think my deepest fear is rooted in lack of trust. Not trusting GOD enough to be there in time of need, to provide materially, concretely, and not trusting him to take care of the turns and curves in my path. I too often forget that the LORD has provided for all people, all of history - including giving us Jesus, Savior from Sin - why would he stop now? And that's my solution to TRUST - reminding myself that GOD doesn't just stop being GOD, so he continues to provide...he continues to guide...he continues to write my story.

And in those smaller, more mild moments of fear when all else fails, I'll rely on the overly-positive esteem of my mother who thinks her daughter can do no wrong! (At least when she's working....hehe)

The Story of a 24-Year-Old.

I have had the inspiration to write again...in fact, I've been feeling like I should start blogging again ever since I finished the movie Julie and Julia - it just inspires you to do something that you love!

I've been wondering what to write about, seeing as most of my stories are about how God shows himself in this world and I've been wondering where He's showing himself in the last couple of months. Tonight, as I began to read my new adventure, St. Therese of Lisieux's The Story of a Soul I finally realized I knew EXACTLY what I needed to write...but I'm getting a head of myself. Rewind to October...to be specific, October 13.

It was a Tuesday - I had slept in and although I was supposed to be at work by 8:30am, I had some wiggle room on my 'in' time since I was outside sales and could be out of the office to run errands and have appointments. On that morning I figured I needed to go to the post office to mail a catalogue to one of my clients - meaning I could sleep in for an extra half hour. As I drove from the post office to the office that morning, I remembered something one of the young women in my bible study had said about making sure she prayer in the morning before work - she always could tell that she received the needed graces at work when she took the time for the Lord before work. So that morning, already late, I decided to pull over on the side of the road, about a block or two away from work, and pray my decade. And Mary KNEW that I needed it that morning.

After being at my desk for about 30 minutes, I got called in to Jim's office (our HR guy)...and that was the morning that I joined the ranks of the unemployed for the remainder of 2009! Let's just say that God knew I needed that time in prayer because he gave me the graces I needed to move forward from the news I received that morning. With a little bit of relief, peace and a heavy heart, I left the office that day to continue on my journey in some other capacity. It's been an up and down road these last 2 months...some days loving that I don't have a job, others crying to the Lord asking him how he expects me to do this! And still other days, I envy those around me with options, choices, jobs, money, rings...the list goes on.

It wasn't until Christmas Eve that I started to put together a piece of the puzzle that I hadn't thought about yet. As Ben and I walked in the door of him family's Christmas party we were greeted by his father's family...the sisters, the nieces, the kids. Ben's always great at family gatherings - especially his own; but I noticed, that evening, Ben's care and attention for the souls around him. When Ben sees people he knows he makes a point to acknowledge them, care for what they are saying in the moment and love them in a way that I haven't seen any men do.

So it wasn't a surprise when one of his cousins, Chrissy looked elated to see him. With baby on hip she greeted us with a smile. The beautiful 3-month-old rested in such a natural and comfortable spot on her mother's hip that I would have told you that Chrissy was a natural mother - probably mother to some of the other children that were running around. Upon sitting down at the Christmas table and paying closer attention I realized that Chrissy was no older than me, maybe even younger. Though on first glance she looked like she could be 30, it was apparent that Chrissy had a child as a product of a decision...a decision she was too young to make. And when I see the outcome of that decision, I have to remember that it could have been me.

As I was sitting there trying to figure out her story, I realized that God was apparent not only in her decision, but also in that moment of judgement for me. In my unemployment, I have thrown myself into grabbing hold of virtues and practices and trying more and more to imitate Christ and model myself after Mother Mary. It was in seeing Chrissy across the dinner table that I realized her story, and this moment in it, where all there to serve God in great glory and to call both of us to greater virtue. How boring would it be if her story were exactly like mine or even blander still, if she was perfect...where would we see the straight line that God drew from the crooked ones if she were perfect.

St. Therese too, after joining the convent, contemplated the differences in people's paths:

"I understood that all the flowers that He created are beautiful. The brilliance of the rose and the whiteness of the lily don't take away from the perfume of the lowly violet or the delightful simplicity of the daisy...I understood that if all the little flowers wanted to be roses, nature would lose its springtime adornment, and the fields would no longer be sprinkled with little flowers...So it is in the world of souls, which if Jesus' garden. He wanted to create great saints who could be compared to lilies and roses. But He also created little ones, and these ought to be content to be daisies or violets destined to gladden God's eyes when He glances down at His feet. Perfection consists in doing His will, in being what He wants us to be..."

And in this same way, I have learned, especially in this season of Advent, that I am to be faithful to this spot in life God has put me...whether it be unemployment, as a sister, in a relationship, or asking for Him to show me my next step. "Perfection consists in doing His will, in being what He wants us to be" right St. Therese???

It may seem silly, but I do believe that St Therese of Lisieux is praying for me and God is calling me at this time when I'm 24 (since St Therese died when she was 24) to study and pray with this Saint of the Child Jesus and the Holy Face as a way of living faithfully the small things that I have been given by Our Lord.

And so without further ado, I title the 2nd part of 24, as The Story of a 24-Year-Old.

Just a Wednesday Night

It's Wednesday night after my Encounter (Bible study)...something that I do every Wednesday night, but tonight in particular the Holy Spirit decided to speak loud and clear.

The last few weeks I've been thinking about all those things that I don't give over to the Lord every day. Some seem small...like what I'll talk to a client about or what movie Ben and I should watch for an evening. Others are bigger...like where my tithing money should go or what apostolate I should do next year.

Tonight the case we discussed was of a man whose family was in need for a temporary car seat for their two-year-old boy. The father, out of desperation and no luck, told his two little girls that they needed Mary's intercession to help them find a car seat. After making their request known to May, a few miles up the road they saw a sign for a garage sale and decided to look for a car seat. Mary had answered their prayers with a car seat that was exactly the boy's size for only $1!

The story struck me because of the man's faith and the smallness of the request. The powerful story penetrated my heart and confirmed that I don't give even the smallest of requests to the Lord. I'm reminded of a quote I have on my desktop that Ben gave me when I was in Australia: "I marvel at how often I forget that I have a loving Father who wants to do everything for me, and instead, I keep doing for myself." -- Fr. John Horn SJ. It is only through our father's desire to do things for us that our prayers are answered - even requests for help of our Mother Mary.

And how often do I decide something so small is not worth praying about...something even large is of no great concern to the Lord of Heaven and Earth. I find myself too, determining that I could ask for help from God and turn my problem over to Him, or I could just do it by myself. It confirms the pettiness of my faith in God and my doubt that my own prayer requests will be answered. I think most of all, my lack of trust that my Father does want to do everything for me breaks down to my confidence in his unending LOVE for me.

Around the same time, that I've been thinking about how much more I should be talking to God, asking of Jesus, giving over to the Trinity, I found my new favorite song: Open Me by Shawn McDonald.

When the song started playing on Pandora, I really didn't start paying attention until this line: "I want to serve you my God, I want to give you everything." The line tugged at me - my soul scream, "EXACTLY" - my eyes filled with small tears. They were the words that my soul was longing to say. I want to serve my Lord and I want to give him everything that I have - everything that I'm holding so dearly to: my money, my possessions, my relationship, my thoughts, my concerns, my weaknesses, my strengths, my LOVE, MY LIFE.

And I've done a poor job in the last few months of doing all of that...so worried about too many things, trying to accomplish too many things, just doing the bare minimum to survive and not giving it to the Lord so he can give me life fuller than surviving.

I don't have too many practical ideas of how to serve the Lord and give him everything, but I'm sure when I give him that concern, he will show me the way...the best way...the Lord's way.

I love these lines:
I want to serve You, my God
I want to give You everything
I want to serve You, my King, yeah
I want to serve You, my Lord
I want to give You everything, Yeah

Here I am with my arms open wide
Asking for You to come up, up inside
Won't You make me new, won't You make me true?
Jesus, won't You make me like You?

For your Additional Viewing Pleasure:
Video of Shawn speaking about his learning of Christ
It's beautiful to see another speak of how God loved them enough to speak to them right where they were at. Their faith gives me so much more faith in the Lord that is personal, loving and all powerful!

Is it worth it?

Yesterday I was introduced to the circus called the Arapahoe County Court system! One January day when it was slushy and snowy outside, my car caught some snow and out of my control ran off the road and into a neighbor's fence. Long story short, the police came and wrote me a ticket for "careless driving" and sentenced me to a morning at the Arapahoe County Courts on March 16 at 8:30am. As I started out the day waiting in the security line to enter the building, I reminded myself, "There are no lines in Heaven. There are no courts in Heaven. There are no traffic violations and tickets in Heaven..."

Regardless if you think I'm to blame for careless driving or if you believe that the snow and slush played a part in the broken fence post (yes just one), I believed that my experience yesterday was far from JUST in the judicial courts! I'll spare you most of the details, besides the verdict (or pending verdict): the ticket was knocked down to a "unauthorized driver driving the vehicle" - a zero point ticket - but I am required to work off the 2 points at 16 hours of community service. I have another court appearance where they will asses the fine (probably $75) AND I have to pay $50 to do my community service - which I think was the salt in the wound!

I felt like one of those poor balls that gets juggled by the clowns moving from one court official to the next. Not to mention the jumping of hoops between legal terminology, court rooms, waiting lines, and floors. By the end (well maybe more like the middle), I was upset with the system. I correct myself, I was DOWN RIGHT PISSED OFF! I was one of those obnoxious people that voiced her opinion in the elevator bank, in the hallway between rooms, in the waiting room with others [including the staff] to hear my complaints. Yes I was THAT person yesterday.

After a good afternoon nap and a relaxing night with my boyfriend, I calmed down to realize that everything that I thought so awful in the morning was wearing off of me. I came to terms with the outcome of the day and realized that I probably acted childish.

Fast forward 1 good night's sleep and a cup of tea, and I was sitting in the favorite sunken spot on my couch doing morning prayers this morning. Today's passage: Romans 8:9-25. But it only took until verse 17 for me to realize my mistakes yesterday.

St. Paul writes to the Romans about sin and the Spirit which has set us free from sin. One idea struck me in a new and different way this morning. I read, "You received God's Spirit when he adopted you as his own children...And since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God's glory." [v.15&17]

So if we know some theology we know that when Christ was risen he received the Kingdom of Heaven and earth to reign over. Christ is now the King of the Father's Kingdom...what a great gift for a Father to give his son [considering on earth the only way a son inherits the father's kingdom is when the father dies]. And if Christ, the Almighty Father's son, received the Kingdom as his inheritance because he was an heir, than we as adopted children of God shall also receive, out of the Father's great love for us, a portion of that Kingdom. In other words, St. Paul says, "together with Christ we are heirs of God's glory" because God's Kingdom is his glory.

I was astonished! We, earthly people, full of sin, clothed with sinful nature, are made a new with the Spirit of adoption because of love AND get to share in God's glory! What person, can say that they have been a part of something that great during their life on earth? I mean, there are some great things on earth, but to be a part of the creator's glory...now that's OUT OF THIS WORLD! :-)

But it gets better, the next verse hit like a nail to the heart: "BUT, if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering." S%$#, [excuse the expletive], but that's hard to digest. We get to share in his glory, sure, but we ALSO have to share in his suffering [nothing comes without a price]...and maybe that suffering doesn't look like death on a cross, it might just look like the Arapahoe County Courthouse! That suffering might look like taking punishment that I don't feel I deserve. That suffering might look like loving those that I feel are using the law against me. That suffering might look like NOT speaking my ungracious opinion for others not involved to hear.

In regards to my behavior, I was unworthy yesterday to be wearing my silver charm bracelet with 12 different crosses on it. I am ashamed that I was calling myself a Christian yesterday. I'm embarrassed that anyone who saw me did not see my life as trying to imitate Christ's. I'm humiliated that anyone who heard my words did not hear the hope of Christ's coming Kingdom.

In the end, rather than reminding myself about no lines in Heaven and no courts in Heaven and no traffic violations in Heaven, I should have been asking myself, "Is it worth it? Is Heaven and the sharing in God's glory worth sharing in his suffering?" Will I suffer more willingly and patiently next time knowing that when I share in his suffering, I will also share in his glory?

Old and Wise - A Lesson in Living

I try to go to daily Mass - sometimes I get there. Nonetheless, whenever I do go in the morning, I am always greeted with the warm smiles, wrinkled faces and white hairs of some of the oldest Catholics around. Now when I use the term 'old' I imply no disrespect what so ever - I merely use the term to give you a good visual. In the future I will use the term wise because I do think they have some wisdom to impart on us.

It has struck me many times, based on the sheer number of them compared to the number of people within my age bracket, that maybe these wise folks know something that the twenty-somethings are missing.

These men and women in their 70s, 80s or even 90s [and I'm not joking, they are your grandparent's parents' ages] are devoted to the daily celebration of the Eucharist. Their years [triple the years that I have been around] and the way in which they spend the last few years, months or even days of their earthly lives is a testament to the wisdom they have gained in life.

It is a good reminder to me that we are destined for something so much greater than this earth. And I'm sure it took some of them longer than others to realize it. I suppose towards the later years of your life you start to reflect on 'what's next?'. No more thinking about boyfriends, marriages, kids, their boyfriends, their marriages, new jobs, retirement. You start to think, 'what's after all of that?' And they have found the answer in daily Mass. What's after this? HEAVEN!!!

And I will wait in joyful hope - going to daily Mass more often - till that day comes when both I and they can celebrate eternal life with our Lord...the reason we all go to daily Mass.

Shame of the Loved

My sister got a flat tire one night. I was half asleep when she walked into my room and began her petition in her whiny voice, "Natalia, I should have aired up my tire before I left mom and dad's house, but I didn't and now I have a flat tire. What do I do?" She had driven about 45 minutes at 11pm with less than 1/4 of the normal air in her tires.

As we went outside to assess the damage, she kept repeating, "I'm so mad at myself. I should have turned around and filled my tires up." She had driven on such low air pressure the rim had torn up about a third of the tire. We moved our pity party to the neighborhood gas station...I drove my car following her the two blocks just in case. When I got out of my car I could see that her guilt had taken over. She was far from wanting to fix the situation and concerned with reversing the hands of time.

The jack came out, the spare tire came out, the wrench came out, and with each tool she pleaded with me not to tell dad. "He will be so disappointed with me. I know better. He will be so mad that I didn't do what he asked again." She refused to call our father, who, I knew, could help; he's the only person that could guide us through the mistake to the end, and she refused to turn to him for help because of her shame.

That night after the tire was fixed and we were safe in our beds, I thanked God for helping to keep us safe as we fixed the tire at midnight on the corner of Colfax. I also thanked him for the blessing of the nice man that helped us. But my prayers were short that night, unlike most nights. I was upset with myself that week for my failure in maintaining my prayer commitments. I had chosen other priorities and made other tasks more important - even though I knew in my heart that prayer is the most important. I had not turned to him earlier that day, so in shame I went to bed after those short prayers.

The next day, my sister finally told dad that she ran her tire so low that it was irreparable. Much to her surprise, he didn't get mad - he actually laughed. He was so thankful that she was safe. He saw her sorrow and worry as a sign of penance and knew that she acknowledged her mistake, so he helped her out without any more words on the situation. Our father is adamant about having my sisters and me check our cars on a regular basis. My sister learned that his persistence on the issue is not meant to make us feel shameful, but is motivated by his love for us. He really does just want us to be safe and by teaching us to check our cars regularly, he knows we can ensure our own safety.

It was then that I realized, I too was afraid to turn to God because of my shame. I was convinced that he would be mad at my failings. I learned a thing or two about fathers through my sister and my dad: God, like any good father, is not mad when I fail. Because he is the father of a fallen race he, rather, expects it. We're really only human - failing is in our nature. Our Father already anticipated that we'd fail; hence, the need for the sacrifice of his son, Jesus. God the Father loves me so much he just wants the best for me - like my dad. His heart leaps when I come back to him in prayer and repent for my wrongs, my shortcomings, my infidelities. Talk about unconditional love - a love that does not make you feel shameful or get mad a one because of a mistake, but a love that laughs when a mistake is made and helps out without another word on the situation.

We as the beloved might feel shame, but it's a beautiful sign of repentance. We would only feel shame because we failed to show love where it was deserved. God always years to embrace us that have strayed and help us who repent. Just remember, we're only human - we make mistakes - Christ anticipated that!

"How is it that ye sought me?"

As many of you know, I have been studying the life of Christ, like one would study a biography of a role model. This morning, my reading was a deeper look into a childhood incident of Christ - the finding of Christ in the Temple. For those of you who are not familiar, here's a synopsis [including my own imaginings]:

The holy family leaves Nazareth in pursuit of Jerusalem to celebrate the tradition of the Passover. The Passover was a great feast to the Jewish people as they celebrated their freedom from slavery and their move from Egypt to the promise land. Jesus at the time is about 12 and I could just imagine a great caravan of people walking, elderly on asses, kids leading the way in all their excitement. I'm sure Mary and Joseph has friends and family that they traveled with. As they get to Jerusalem, they spend all their day

s enjoying company, celebrating, drinking wine, and maybe even some good 'ld dance parties. After a certain number of days of celebration the group embarks upon the journey home to Jerusalem. Mary notices that her only son is missing...he's not in the caravan, he's not at the front with the other kids, and he's not among the other friends or relatives. I'm sure she's a little frazzled - she probably pulled Joseph aside and asked if he had seen their son. At that point, they decide to head back in the direction they came, retracing their steps to find their boy.

Poor Mary - she must have felt the weight of the world on her shoulder - not to mention she's been entrusted by God to take care of his only begotten son. She's a mother in distress - walking rapidly through the villages and side streets...carefully eyeing every little boy around Jesus's height. She's knocking on doors asking strangers if they have seen her beloved son. She's not worried about her hair or her makeup; she's not concerned with how tired her feet are or how hungry her tummy is; she is only concerned with LOVE...and finding that boy that she loves so much...what distress.

After 3 days of restlessly searching, she comes to the temple where they had their celebrations. In the order of the temple she spots a group of elders...older men with long beards. They were probably great rabbis or teachers of the day. Mary's a little afraid to interrupt them as they may not be bothered with a plain woman who has lost her son, but love grips her heart and gives her the courage to walk closer to speak with them.

There, in the midst of the men, is Jesus. With his precious twelve-year-old boy face, his wispy hair, and his confident stature. All the men are looking down upon him, listening with great awe to his words. For little did these men know, but these words that Jesus was teaching were none other than his eternal father's. Just as he is finishing answering one of the rabbi's questions, Mary swoops in and grasps him in her arms - holding him so tightly that he cannot get away and releasing all the worries, anxieties, and tears that she held onto for the past three days.

Upon taking him out of the temple to start their journey back home she asks: "Son, why hast thou thus dealt with us [her and Joseph]? Behold, thy father and I have sought thee sorrowing." To which he responds, "How is it that ye sought me? Wist ye not that I must be about my Father's business?" In other words, Mary says, "Why did you just leave without telling us? We have been looking for you with great grief." And Jesus replies, "How did you look for me? Didn't you know that I had to do what I was sent to do by the father?"

For more accurate text, read the gospel: Luke 2:41-52

One of the reasons I enjoy learning about Christ's life is because of the discovery of self that I find within the gospels, especially in relating to the people surrounding Jesus in these stories. David Ramsey says "If you want to be rich, do what rich people do." In the same way, if I am to be like Christ, I have to do what Christ does. I'm so far away from being Christ, that I have taken solace in trying to imitate those around him like his mother Mary and just like Mary in this story sometimes I have failed to find Christ.

For all intents and purposes, like Christ was the son of Mary, let's call Christ my best friend. Maybe someone who has come to visit me from a far off country and is delighted at spending time with me.

Often days, I am frantically running around going about my work, not even realizing that I have lost my best friend. I'm so enwrapped in myself and my duties that I fail to even recognize that I left my best friend behind. I failed to invite him along. Now, truth be told, Christ is never lost: "Do you know that I can never be lost...I will be everywhere where any one believes in me, even if they do not see me with their eyes." My point is that he is lost in my life...I have lost him in my day and didn't recognize, just like Mary lost her son among the crowds of people.

When I do realize that I am missing something, I too frantically search, like Mary, in all the wrong places. I'm trying to find fulfillment and peace in a job...I'm trying to find beauty and serenity in fashion magazines and make-up...I'm trying to find romance and love in the newest release or TV series...I'm trying to find adventure and a new life in the novel I'm reading...I'm trying to find a savior and true friend in a boyfriend. Christ has told us that he will be all of these things: fulfillment and peace, beauty and serenity, romance and love, adventure and a new life, savior and true friend.

"How is it that ye sought me?" In other words, did you look for me in the right places? Did you search for me in the Father's place of worship? Did you look for me doing my Father's will? Did you seek me in the wisdom and counsel of others? How is it that you seek Christ?