Shame of the Loved

My sister got a flat tire one night. I was half asleep when she walked into my room and began her petition in her whiny voice, "Natalia, I should have aired up my tire before I left mom and dad's house, but I didn't and now I have a flat tire. What do I do?" She had driven about 45 minutes at 11pm with less than 1/4 of the normal air in her tires.

As we went outside to assess the damage, she kept repeating, "I'm so mad at myself. I should have turned around and filled my tires up." She had driven on such low air pressure the rim had torn up about a third of the tire. We moved our pity party to the neighborhood gas station...I drove my car following her the two blocks just in case. When I got out of my car I could see that her guilt had taken over. She was far from wanting to fix the situation and concerned with reversing the hands of time.

The jack came out, the spare tire came out, the wrench came out, and with each tool she pleaded with me not to tell dad. "He will be so disappointed with me. I know better. He will be so mad that I didn't do what he asked again." She refused to call our father, who, I knew, could help; he's the only person that could guide us through the mistake to the end, and she refused to turn to him for help because of her shame.

That night after the tire was fixed and we were safe in our beds, I thanked God for helping to keep us safe as we fixed the tire at midnight on the corner of Colfax. I also thanked him for the blessing of the nice man that helped us. But my prayers were short that night, unlike most nights. I was upset with myself that week for my failure in maintaining my prayer commitments. I had chosen other priorities and made other tasks more important - even though I knew in my heart that prayer is the most important. I had not turned to him earlier that day, so in shame I went to bed after those short prayers.

The next day, my sister finally told dad that she ran her tire so low that it was irreparable. Much to her surprise, he didn't get mad - he actually laughed. He was so thankful that she was safe. He saw her sorrow and worry as a sign of penance and knew that she acknowledged her mistake, so he helped her out without any more words on the situation. Our father is adamant about having my sisters and me check our cars on a regular basis. My sister learned that his persistence on the issue is not meant to make us feel shameful, but is motivated by his love for us. He really does just want us to be safe and by teaching us to check our cars regularly, he knows we can ensure our own safety.

It was then that I realized, I too was afraid to turn to God because of my shame. I was convinced that he would be mad at my failings. I learned a thing or two about fathers through my sister and my dad: God, like any good father, is not mad when I fail. Because he is the father of a fallen race he, rather, expects it. We're really only human - failing is in our nature. Our Father already anticipated that we'd fail; hence, the need for the sacrifice of his son, Jesus. God the Father loves me so much he just wants the best for me - like my dad. His heart leaps when I come back to him in prayer and repent for my wrongs, my shortcomings, my infidelities. Talk about unconditional love - a love that does not make you feel shameful or get mad a one because of a mistake, but a love that laughs when a mistake is made and helps out without another word on the situation.

We as the beloved might feel shame, but it's a beautiful sign of repentance. We would only feel shame because we failed to show love where it was deserved. God always years to embrace us that have strayed and help us who repent. Just remember, we're only human - we make mistakes - Christ anticipated that!

"How is it that ye sought me?"

As many of you know, I have been studying the life of Christ, like one would study a biography of a role model. This morning, my reading was a deeper look into a childhood incident of Christ - the finding of Christ in the Temple. For those of you who are not familiar, here's a synopsis [including my own imaginings]:

The holy family leaves Nazareth in pursuit of Jerusalem to celebrate the tradition of the Passover. The Passover was a great feast to the Jewish people as they celebrated their freedom from slavery and their move from Egypt to the promise land. Jesus at the time is about 12 and I could just imagine a great caravan of people walking, elderly on asses, kids leading the way in all their excitement. I'm sure Mary and Joseph has friends and family that they traveled with. As they get to Jerusalem, they spend all their day

s enjoying company, celebrating, drinking wine, and maybe even some good 'ld dance parties. After a certain number of days of celebration the group embarks upon the journey home to Jerusalem. Mary notices that her only son is missing...he's not in the caravan, he's not at the front with the other kids, and he's not among the other friends or relatives. I'm sure she's a little frazzled - she probably pulled Joseph aside and asked if he had seen their son. At that point, they decide to head back in the direction they came, retracing their steps to find their boy.

Poor Mary - she must have felt the weight of the world on her shoulder - not to mention she's been entrusted by God to take care of his only begotten son. She's a mother in distress - walking rapidly through the villages and side streets...carefully eyeing every little boy around Jesus's height. She's knocking on doors asking strangers if they have seen her beloved son. She's not worried about her hair or her makeup; she's not concerned with how tired her feet are or how hungry her tummy is; she is only concerned with LOVE...and finding that boy that she loves so much...what distress.

After 3 days of restlessly searching, she comes to the temple where they had their celebrations. In the order of the temple she spots a group of elders...older men with long beards. They were probably great rabbis or teachers of the day. Mary's a little afraid to interrupt them as they may not be bothered with a plain woman who has lost her son, but love grips her heart and gives her the courage to walk closer to speak with them.

There, in the midst of the men, is Jesus. With his precious twelve-year-old boy face, his wispy hair, and his confident stature. All the men are looking down upon him, listening with great awe to his words. For little did these men know, but these words that Jesus was teaching were none other than his eternal father's. Just as he is finishing answering one of the rabbi's questions, Mary swoops in and grasps him in her arms - holding him so tightly that he cannot get away and releasing all the worries, anxieties, and tears that she held onto for the past three days.

Upon taking him out of the temple to start their journey back home she asks: "Son, why hast thou thus dealt with us [her and Joseph]? Behold, thy father and I have sought thee sorrowing." To which he responds, "How is it that ye sought me? Wist ye not that I must be about my Father's business?" In other words, Mary says, "Why did you just leave without telling us? We have been looking for you with great grief." And Jesus replies, "How did you look for me? Didn't you know that I had to do what I was sent to do by the father?"

For more accurate text, read the gospel: Luke 2:41-52

One of the reasons I enjoy learning about Christ's life is because of the discovery of self that I find within the gospels, especially in relating to the people surrounding Jesus in these stories. David Ramsey says "If you want to be rich, do what rich people do." In the same way, if I am to be like Christ, I have to do what Christ does. I'm so far away from being Christ, that I have taken solace in trying to imitate those around him like his mother Mary and just like Mary in this story sometimes I have failed to find Christ.

For all intents and purposes, like Christ was the son of Mary, let's call Christ my best friend. Maybe someone who has come to visit me from a far off country and is delighted at spending time with me.

Often days, I am frantically running around going about my work, not even realizing that I have lost my best friend. I'm so enwrapped in myself and my duties that I fail to even recognize that I left my best friend behind. I failed to invite him along. Now, truth be told, Christ is never lost: "Do you know that I can never be lost...I will be everywhere where any one believes in me, even if they do not see me with their eyes." My point is that he is lost in my life...I have lost him in my day and didn't recognize, just like Mary lost her son among the crowds of people.

When I do realize that I am missing something, I too frantically search, like Mary, in all the wrong places. I'm trying to find fulfillment and peace in a job...I'm trying to find beauty and serenity in fashion magazines and make-up...I'm trying to find romance and love in the newest release or TV series...I'm trying to find adventure and a new life in the novel I'm reading...I'm trying to find a savior and true friend in a boyfriend. Christ has told us that he will be all of these things: fulfillment and peace, beauty and serenity, romance and love, adventure and a new life, savior and true friend.

"How is it that ye sought me?" In other words, did you look for me in the right places? Did you search for me in the Father's place of worship? Did you look for me doing my Father's will? Did you seek me in the wisdom and counsel of others? How is it that you seek Christ?