Not the Bride, but the Maid of Honor

It's 12:20am and I feel like I'm no closer to accomplishing what I embarked upon 12 hours ago. I started the morning a little late, but regardless the seconds ticked, the clock chimed, and by the time I looked up from my computer it was already time for me to shower and leave for my TEC Director meeting.

At this point in my day, I was a little frazzled. My to do list seemed to be growing longer - not shorter as you would expect for a day full of 'doing' - and my time seemed to be slipping through my fingers like sand in an open palm. But getting into the shower and feeling the water rush over my head, I started to relax and remind myself, "I am not the business owner, but the executive. I don't have the weight of the world on my shoulders, but I will follow and obey He who does carry the world."

Fast forward two hours and we're sitting down for our TEC Director meeting as the Assistant Lay Director manual is handed to me with a 'THUD.' It was bigger than I imagined and the sensation of overwhelming that I had tried to swallow down with dinner returned to an unpleasant place in my stomach. My silent prayer: "Jesus, what have I gotten myself into?"

We started our meeting like you would start any good Catholic ministry meeting...in prayer! And this is what we heard:

They came to John and said to him, "Rabbi, that man who was with you on the other side of the Jordan—the one you testified about—well, he is baptizing, and everyone is going to him."  To this John replied, "A man can receive only what is given him from heaven. You yourselves can testify that I said, 'I am not the Christ but am sent ahead of him.' The bride belongs to the bridegroom. The friend who attends the bridegroom waits and listens for him, and is full of joy when he hears the bridegroom's voice. That joy is mine, and it is now complete. He must become greater; I must become less." -- John 3:26-30

People say that prayer is us speaking to God, but Sacred Scripture is God speaking to us. And He had something to say..."You are not the Christ, but sent ahead of him." I am not the bridegroom, but the friend who attends to him...like a Best Man. And while it is the Best Man's duty to help the groom, it is the Maid of Honor's duty to help the Bride. Not the Bride, but the Maid of Honor.

The Maid of Honor is the chief lady attendant of a Bride. As you will see, the Maid of Honor plays an important role to the success of the wedding. Weddings require a lot of preparation. The bride needs help as much as she can. The bride usually gives the maid of honor designation to a close friend or relative who will give morale support to the bride.

Christ's Bride is the Church and with that my role in everything I'm doing needs to focus on providing morale support for the Church and the success of its mission as a practical means of increasing the kingdom for the salvation of souls. Christ has chosen me to partake in this role, as a Bride would give preference to a close friend or relative. And heaven shall be a great wedding feast for all the faithful, but they are not my guests, but His...not my plans, but His...not my wedding, but His.

And from all my special event experience, I know it's going to take some hard work to make sure everyone gets their wedding invitation, RSVPs and is able to make it to the feast. And with that...I'm recharged to be the Maid of Honor and not the Bride.

Paralyzing Fear

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God." ~Marianne Williamson

I wish I could say that I agreed with Marianne Williamson's analysis of our deepest fear, but I have to say that I don't. I started thinking about fear tonight in my meditation of the mystery of the Annunciation. Mary gives her fiat with such confidence: "May it be done to me according to your word" Luke 1:38. Here I am hanging on to hope for a job that I really don't want and feel in my 'gut' is not right; but I can't let the opportunity go for fear of missing the path God had for me.

I'll throw out three hypothesis for the sources of my paralyzing fear -

Hypothesis ONE: the fear that usually stops be from starting projects...the fear that makes it so much harder to take the next step for fear of failing. There, I said it, FEAR OF FAILING. Not starting something because of the millions of obstacles that enter my head immediately after I think of a great idea. It's this fear of failing that stops me from trying anything new because I immediately think, 'I can't do that. I've never done that before, how could I possibly learn it now.' It's human, but completely irrational - which is, I'm learning, how I operate...irrationally. It's this fear that I'm trying to conquer in 2010 - not only learning and trying new things, but being 'ok' with a perfect failure!

Hypothesis TWO: Fear of rejection and being inadequate...this fear too has shot down some of my would-pursue-if-money-wasn't-a-factor ideas. The idea of being told no, laughed at, or even worse, humiliated, daunts me and is probably the reason that I haven't applied for more jobs since October. I operate under the thought: 'if I'm going to get rejected, by put in the effort.' In essence, I've already made up my mind that rejection is what I'll get, so I'll stop there. I think conquering this fear will take a paradigm shift. A better understanding of Ms Williamson's last statement: "Who are we not to be [brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous]. You are a child of God." Children of God are made to be special and unique - to not be perfect for everything, but to be perfect for something!

Hypothesis THREE: However, unlike Ms. Williamson, I think my deepest fear is rooted in lack of trust. Not trusting GOD enough to be there in time of need, to provide materially, concretely, and not trusting him to take care of the turns and curves in my path. I too often forget that the LORD has provided for all people, all of history - including giving us Jesus, Savior from Sin - why would he stop now? And that's my solution to TRUST - reminding myself that GOD doesn't just stop being GOD, so he continues to provide...he continues to guide...he continues to write my story.

And in those smaller, more mild moments of fear when all else fails, I'll rely on the overly-positive esteem of my mother who thinks her daughter can do no wrong! (At least when she's working....hehe)