Paralyzing Fear

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God." ~Marianne Williamson

I wish I could say that I agreed with Marianne Williamson's analysis of our deepest fear, but I have to say that I don't. I started thinking about fear tonight in my meditation of the mystery of the Annunciation. Mary gives her fiat with such confidence: "May it be done to me according to your word" Luke 1:38. Here I am hanging on to hope for a job that I really don't want and feel in my 'gut' is not right; but I can't let the opportunity go for fear of missing the path God had for me.

I'll throw out three hypothesis for the sources of my paralyzing fear -

Hypothesis ONE: the fear that usually stops be from starting projects...the fear that makes it so much harder to take the next step for fear of failing. There, I said it, FEAR OF FAILING. Not starting something because of the millions of obstacles that enter my head immediately after I think of a great idea. It's this fear of failing that stops me from trying anything new because I immediately think, 'I can't do that. I've never done that before, how could I possibly learn it now.' It's human, but completely irrational - which is, I'm learning, how I operate...irrationally. It's this fear that I'm trying to conquer in 2010 - not only learning and trying new things, but being 'ok' with a perfect failure!

Hypothesis TWO: Fear of rejection and being inadequate...this fear too has shot down some of my would-pursue-if-money-wasn't-a-factor ideas. The idea of being told no, laughed at, or even worse, humiliated, daunts me and is probably the reason that I haven't applied for more jobs since October. I operate under the thought: 'if I'm going to get rejected, by put in the effort.' In essence, I've already made up my mind that rejection is what I'll get, so I'll stop there. I think conquering this fear will take a paradigm shift. A better understanding of Ms Williamson's last statement: "Who are we not to be [brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous]. You are a child of God." Children of God are made to be special and unique - to not be perfect for everything, but to be perfect for something!

Hypothesis THREE: However, unlike Ms. Williamson, I think my deepest fear is rooted in lack of trust. Not trusting GOD enough to be there in time of need, to provide materially, concretely, and not trusting him to take care of the turns and curves in my path. I too often forget that the LORD has provided for all people, all of history - including giving us Jesus, Savior from Sin - why would he stop now? And that's my solution to TRUST - reminding myself that GOD doesn't just stop being GOD, so he continues to provide...he continues to guide...he continues to write my story.

And in those smaller, more mild moments of fear when all else fails, I'll rely on the overly-positive esteem of my mother who thinks her daughter can do no wrong! (At least when she's working....hehe)